he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I wear drunk well.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
