someone get that fucking seahorse.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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