So drunk its hurt
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
