on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
