and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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