Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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