The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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