you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
