Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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