Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
