I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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