So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
