Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
