Only a mothe r could love this liver
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm like, not good at living.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
