I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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