I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
