we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
