I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
