Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
