watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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