when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
