i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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