New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
