The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
