btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
they're like a gay fantastic four
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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