you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
