feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
