the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Is it because I queefed?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My penis needs a shock collar
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
