tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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