I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm like, not good at living.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
