there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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