First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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