You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We need to get me chipped asap
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
