I met the friendliest cop last night
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
