I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
