I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
