I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
