i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
