Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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