get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
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I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
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P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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