So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
