I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
