Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I think my moral compass just broke
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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