This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
