she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
