Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
