just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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