Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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