Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
