EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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