I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
