i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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