Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
