Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
