he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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