Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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