My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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