So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
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