I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
