who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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