Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
