The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
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I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
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only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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