cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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