she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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